How many of you reading has ever gotten to the point of watching to change everything about yourself – whether it be your physical appearance, the job you have, your relationship status, your personality, and everything else in between? I know I have. For me it has always been my appearance. The last time I felt happy with how I looked was back in 2011. Surprisingly, I most likely wasn’t at my “lowest weight” (I’ve always been chubby), but everything in my life was going wonderfully. I was in Rome for three weeks with a great group of people I had just met for school, I was finally out of a really shitty relationship, and I had started dating my now husband around. Let’s be real, I had a crush on him for 3.5 years! Everything was falling into place, and nothing could bring me down.
Fast forward to the 2016 new year, and I feel like a completely different person. And not in a good way. My anxiety and depression had gotten worse. I was living with my grandparents at the time, as I finished my internship for my degree and they were wonderful, but I didn’t let them in on too much hat was happening because I didn’t want them to worry. My preceptor was unsupportive, and made everything worse. I almost quit my internship; the email was written. I never sent it though. It was a bad experience, and unfortunately it held a black cloud over my head for the rest of the year. However, it seemed to have drifted away for a bit, so I could truly enjoy my wedding that summer, and lead me to apply to a fantastic job working with babies and their mamas. It was only a few months later when those black clouds came back. I’ve been a work in progress ever since.
So, here I am. I am in a new career in the field I went to school for, and am really enjoying it. I have a beautiful marriage with my husband, and I still cannot get over how adorable and sweet our Walter boy is. Even with all this I am still stagnant, stuck, and simply there. I am no longer as active as I used to be in all my previous leisure activities. I don’t read nearly as much, I hardly work-out or remain active (although I was getting into a groove, and still working on it), I don’t bake/cook as much, write, or learn. Instead, I do more passive activities such as watching Netflix and Dramafever for hours on end. It is funny, because I know what I am doing is not great, and I do get frustrated with myself and want to get back at it. But, I still don’t do anything.
I am my biggest frustration and barrier. I started going to the gym 3-4 times a week for a few weeks, but haven’t been able to keep it up. I attempt to eat healthier, but work and family can make it difficult. I want to read more, but have yet to finish a book I’ve bought in the last year or so. I could go on. There are many things I want to do, but I don’t. I’m not as ambitious as I once was. I don’t like it. I’ve lost my spunk. I feel I need to change. The tricky part is figuring out what to change, how to change, and the upkeep.
My hope for this blog is to help ask those hard questions, find the answers for myself, and follow through. I also hope to help and/or inspire those who may be going through something similar to push themselves to be their best person.