Doing It Solo.

Since I was young, I had a hard time maintaining an active social life – especially during the summer months, and especially when I couldn’t drive myself. Because of this, I grew more comfortable with being by myself, and less comfortable socializing with people. Let’s be real – my last year of high school was uncomfortable because I was so afraid to talk to anyone. I could make small talk to some people but froze when it came to everyone else. It was hard to push myself into putting myself out there, because I feared being judged, ridiculed, and left. I was bullied in middle school, and I was used by some peers who I thought were my friends. This continued into high school, but did not last throughout my four years. Although I’m sure by then, it was all done behind my back, if at all. I remember someone calling my name so I turned around to have a volleyball hit me right in my face. You know, it was probably around this time when I first started not to trust people. It became harder for me to not only make friends but keep them as well. Once summer was over, I had to find someone to hang around with because it felt as if the people I hung around with didn’t want me around. I had a couple of friends who stuck by no matter what though, which was more than I could ask for! Even with them, I still had a difficult time pushing myself out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable.

In University, it wasn’t much better. If anything, it was worst because I avoided talking to people. I made myself out to be a loner. When it came time for community college, it wasn’t as easy to hide in the background. The program I took was very outgoing, social and a lot of group projects. It made it easier to build lasting friendships. Same with my years at Dalhousie. My first year, I was more of a loner. I stuck to myself and didn’t reach out as often as I could or should have. It wasn’t until my second and last year where I could connect better with the people I was with, and create those lasting friendships. Although, there were some people who gave me a vibe as if they didn’t want me around. But, at that time I was enjoying myself and said: “fuck it”. Thank goodness for the people who were persistent, and took me for the recluse I was. They became some of the best friendships I have!

I could go on relentlessly about my social ineptitudes, but it’s time I move on. The reason I bring this up is that I’m in a weird spot right now. I have a good core group of friends whom I adore and love spending my time with. However, we don’t always have the same interests. For example, right now, I’m trying to focus more on going to the gym to work on my fitness. My brother-in-law teaches a Combat class which I go too; my sister and brother go as well. I look forward to those classes when I can get to them. It makes it easier to go, and more enjoyable when there is a support system. On the other hand, when I do strength training, it’s just me. I don’t have anyone to share that time with, motivate me to go, and so on. It’s during those times I feel lonely. I told my husband, I know I should do things on my own, but I don’t want to have to do everything alone. This even applies to my job. I love where I work, but I am the sole person in my role. I’m by myself. It gets lonely. I have many interests where I can’t share my excitement with anyone. I broke down one day because I wanted to be an independent woman who could do anything she wanted on her own. I’m not that person. Not right now. So, it’s been rough lately staying motivated to do anything I set out to do. Instead of losing weight, I’m gaining. Instead of hanging out with people, I’m hiding. I’m letting my negative self-talk drag me down. This isn’t the path I want to continue down, because I know what it waiting for me. It’s a road I’ve taken many times before, and it isn’t enjoyable. It can take months before I can start shifting my way out from underneath myself.

I’m not against doing things on my own or being able to be content being by myself. There are times when I truly enjoy my solitude. It gives me the opportunity to think deeply, to indulge in my not as popular hobbies, and more. I’ve just come to point in my life, where I want to push myself further. I don’t want to hide as much as I have in the past and still do. I want to find a healthier balance. There are plentiful things, adventures, experiences I would love to do. However, I hold myself back because I don’t have anyone to share them with. I have done somethings on my own, but it can be more enjoyable to share this experiences with others. I can’t hold myself from doing the things I want, because no one else does, but it would be nice if I did. So now, I need to figure out where to go from here. How can I improve my lacking social skills, how can I balance being alone and being with others, and how can I find those people who share the same interests so I don’t have to keep bothering the friends I have with things they don’t want to do (ha!).

Tell me, have you experienced anything similar before? How did you move on, or have you?

Much love,




Oh Mondays.

How many of you reading has ever gotten to the point of watching to change everything about yourself – whether it be your physical appearance, the job you have, your relationship status, your personality, and everything else in between? I know I have. For me it has always been my appearance. The last time I felt happy with how I looked was back in 2011. Surprisingly, I most likely wasn’t at my “lowest weight” (I’ve always been chubby), but everything in my life was going wonderfully. I was in Rome for three weeks with a great group of people I had just met for school, I was finally out of a really shitty relationship, and I had started dating my now husband around. Let’s be real, I had a crush on him for 3.5 years! Everything was falling into place, and nothing could bring me down.

Fast forward to the 2016 new year, and I feel like a completely different person. And not in a good way. My anxiety and depression had gotten worse. I was living with my grandparents at the time, as I finished my internship for my degree and they were wonderful, but I didn’t let them in on too much hat was happening because I didn’t want them to worry. My preceptor was unsupportive, and made everything worse. I almost quit my internship; the email was written. I never sent it though. It was a bad experience, and unfortunately it held a black cloud over my head for the rest of the year. However, it seemed to have drifted away for a bit, so I could truly enjoy my wedding that summer, and lead me to apply to a fantastic job working with babies and their mamas. It was only a few months later when those black clouds came back. I’ve been a work in progress ever since.

So, here I am. I am in a new career in the field I went to school for, and am really enjoying it. I have a beautiful marriage with my husband, and I still cannot get over how adorable and sweet our Walter boy is. Even with all this I am still stagnant, stuck, and simply there. I am no longer as active as I used to be in all my previous leisure activities. I don’t read nearly as much, I hardly work-out or remain active (although I was getting into a groove, and still working on it), I don’t bake/cook as much, write, or learn. Instead, I do more passive activities such as watching Netflix and Dramafever for hours on end. It is funny, because I know what I am doing is not great, and I do get frustrated with myself and want to get back at it. But, I still don’t do anything.

I am my biggest frustration and barrier. I started going to the gym 3-4 times a week for a few weeks, but haven’t been able to keep it up. I attempt to eat healthier, but work and family can make it difficult. I want to read more, but have yet to finish a book I’ve bought in the last year or so. I could go on. There are many things I want to do, but I don’t. I’m not as ambitious as I once was. I don’t like it. I’ve lost my spunk. I feel I need to change. The tricky part is figuring out what to change, how to change, and the upkeep.

My hope for this blog is to help ask those hard questions, find the answers for myself, and follow through. I also hope to help and/or inspire those who may be going through something similar to push themselves to be their best person.

Much love.